Monday, August 18, 2008

Let's Cut The Crap In Cleveland!

Northeast Ohio Regional Sewer District leaders said last week that plans to replace half-century old furnaces at the East 49th Street sewage treatment plant will now include steam-powered electricity generators - fueled mostly by the solid human waste.

This town of Cleveland, Ohio is a constant source of awe and amazement. We continue to fuel "Cleveland Jokes" and then laugh the loudest at them. In 1969, the Cuyahoga River caught fire due to high pollution. We are situated only 90 minutes from the "Cradle of Football" in Canton, Ohio yet our Browns have never won or even been to a Super Bowl. A mayor's hair caught fire a short time before his wife turned down an invitation to the White House from the First Lady because it was her bowling night.

I love this town!!!!

What, you can't recall any Cleveland jokes? Oh, here, I can accommodate you;

Q. "What's the difference between Cleveland and the Titanic?"
A. "Cleveland has the better orchestra."

More to come.

In 1971, I was in the service and sitting in a bar, the guys in my outfit were talking about their hometowns, feeling a little homesick. A few guys were from Los Angeles and they were very proud of their sports teams. Others talked about civic pride while others spoke of great entertainment venues. I waited to go last, knowing that there were so many reasons to be proud of Cleveland and I wanted to mention them all. Soon one of the guys said, "Well, what about you? Aren't you from Cleveland?" As I smiled and prepared to boast about my hometown, I was interrupted by a segment on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In that was playing on the TV above our heads. They were doing a court scene and Dan Rowan was the judge with Dick Martin playing his bailiff. Rowan banged his gavel and sentenced a criminal to 30 days in jail. Martin, in a low voice, cautioned the judge that the jails were over-crowded and there was no room for this law breaker. Rowan paused, considered his options, and then stated, "OK then, 3 days in Cleveland!" The laughter in the bar was deafening. There was no point in my continuing about my home town.

"Who says you can't surf in Cleveland? Just do it before the brown water freezes!"
From Jay Leno;
"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had another Democratic debate last night. This time it was in Ohio. The big winner, of course, Fox’s American Idol. In fact, they’re saying this is the biggest thing to happen in Cleveland since — ever, I guess."

From Johnny Carson (1974);
"They had 10 cent beer night in Cleveland last night that resulted in a riot. That will teach them to lock the restrooms!"

"Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:
1. Bin Sleepin
2. Bin Drinkin
3. Bin Fightin
The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood. Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available."

So, back to the topic of the story that appeared in the morning paper. Cleveland will be building electric furnaces to convert human waste into energy. Why wait for other places to make up the jokes? If we plan now, we can make this a huge marketing success...

"Cleveland Public Utilities, when it comes to your energy, we cut through the crap!"

"Cleveland's got the power, no shit!"

Just think, we could be the first city to reverse coin operated restrooms and pay you per visit!

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