Years ago, you won the division in a close race; now we beg you to help us in our struggle against the Evil Empire in Chicago. We regret that we are unable to repeat as division champs again this year; but our season has fallen under bad times and I'm afraid our mission to keep the division out of the hands of the dark side of the force may fail.
We’ve placed information vital to the survival of your success into the memory systems of this R2 unit, made to resemble a bullpen telephone. Only you will know how to retrieve it and it must stay out of the hands of Darth Guillen.
You must see this R2 unit is safely delivered to your team in Minnesota. This is our most desperate hour. Help us, Obi-Wan Gardenhire; you're our only hope.
Come on, Twins! It is up to you to keep the White Sox out of the playoffs! This is a winner take all, loser go home situation. The Wild Card is all but sewn up between Tampa Bay and Boston, whichever team fails to win the East.
Spare us seeing Ozzie Vader rant and rave through another playoff season. Keep the Grand Moff Pierzynski off of the prime time networks where he can manipulate the game, like running out a dropped third strike even when it wasn’t dropped and duping the umpiring crew.
We don’t want to see Jabba the Thome and his followers; stormtroopers Dye, Buehrle, Crede, Konerko, Griffey Jr., Swisher, etc.
You have only to take control of your own destiny!
Beginning with Kansas City tonight, you need to win 14 of your 19 remaining games!
That puts you at 92 victories, the division championship, and the Sox on the couch for October…just do it!
The future of fair play and decency in baseball is in your hands!